The Absolute Best Way To Get Over Your Ex Girlfriend

My girlfriend of over a year recently broke up with me. It came out of the blue, she dumped me, told me she didn’t want to be with me anymore and broke off our plans to move in together. I don’t know how I’m going to get over her, she was the perfect woman. She says she wants to stay friends with me, does that mean I still have a chance? What should I do?

Howard D.

Ahhhhh, that sucks. Sorry Howard. It sucks a lot to get dumped.

I know it hurts, because we’ve all been there. But trust me Howard, we’re going to get through this together.

Like I always say, no man left behind! Even if we were deep in enemy territory, and you were getting shelled to bits in your foxhole by unfriendly artillery, and there was no one coming to get us out, I wouldn’t leave you Howard. Bros until we die.

more: How To Move On After A Breakup And Find Someone New

Even if we were on the great ship Titanic, and it was going underwater, and you were trapped in one of those weird rooms where the auto doors closed and it was filling up with water, you’d better believe I’d be there, trying to wedge open the door and get you out, Howard, because I’m not going to leave you behind.

What To Do On A Second Date: Great Date Ideas

I went out on a date with a woman and it went well! She wants to go on a second date with me and I want to go on one with her. How do I make the second date even better than the first one? What should I do?

Charlie D.

Well Charlie, you didn’t tell me what you did on the first date, so I’m going to have to assume that it was the greatest first date ever.

I’m going to have to assume that you rented the 1992 Olympic Dream Team (which won the gold in basketball and went undefeated) to chauffeur you and your date around town on their shoulders, and to also astound passersby with stunning and magical feats of near impossibility at basketball.

more: Exactly How To Have An Amazing First Date

Then, as you and your date won the lottery for the 8th consecutive time that night, you were carried aloft to a fountain of chocolate, where you bathed and ate and f*cked in the molten chocolate fountain.

Actually that got real weird real quick. That’s kind of f*cked up. You’d get pubes and hair and cum in the fountain, and then you’d eat from it? That’s really messed up.

How To Be Funny And Attract Women

Every time I see a guy who has success with women, he’s always making them laugh. I’m not a naturally funny guy, in fact I rarely if ever make people laugh. How can I become funny so that I can get women interested in me?

Gideon M.

Alright Gid, listen up. There are many, many ways to be funny. Let’s list them.

You could go for physical humor! Nothing like a little slapstick to liven up the day and make them ladies laugh and laugh and laugh!

Step 1: You’re going to need to procure lots of pie tins, shaving cream, and a place to hide all of them so that no one knows they’re coming.

Step 2: Smack yourself in the face with shaving cream pies repeatedly. Laughs! Glorious laughs!

more: How To Attract More Women And Be More Attractive

You could go for standup style humor instead. This one is even easier!

All you have to do is pick your favorite standup comic and memorize every joke he or she has ever done. Super easy! Just get on youtube, search whoever you like, and get memorizing!

How To Ask A Woman Out Over A Text

I want to text a woman I know and ask her out. How do I do that?

Adam E.

ok, this is really, really complicated, so you need to bear with me. It’s going to be emotionally strenuous reading through this post, and you’re going to have to confront some demons that you probably wish has remained buried, but this is the only way for you to come through to the other side.

What I’m saying is, you must trust me.

more: How To Ask Her Out So That She Says Yes

Are you ready? Let’s begin.

Step 1. Pull out your phone.

Step 2.Type in a question asking her out on a date into a text.

Step 3. Send the text.

holy shit. Are you still there Adam? Oh, thank god. I thought we lost you somewhere in the middle. That was horribly difficult. I’m glad you’re still with us, and I’m glad we got through this together.

more: How To Have An Amazing First Date

The Best Questions To Ask Her On A Date

I recently worked up the courage to ask a woman I work without a date, and she said yes! I’m really excited, but I’m also super nervous. What kind of questions should I ask her? What should I say? Help!

Geoff K.

Well, well, well Geoff, you’ve gotten an adult (I hope) female woman human specimen being person to agree to go on a date with you! Congratulations!

Normally I’d spend this part of the letter mocking you, but I don’t want to sh*t all over your very apparent excitement and anticipation, so I won’t! You done good buddy.

more: Exactly How To Have An Amazing First Date

But oh no! Now you actually have to go on a date with her! Can you imagine? The horror of conversation, of empty pauses and breaks filled only with awkward chewing and hastily broken off eye contact.

The feeling of warm liquid sh*t running down your leg as you fail to think of something, even a single thing to say to the woman in front of you, and your bowels involuntarily release as your brain prepares you for imminent death.

The humiliation of the busboy and the maĆ®tre ‘d helping you clean it up and pretending that it’s not a big deal, and I’m sure she’ll still be there when we exit the bathroom sir, yes sir it wasn’t that noticeable, you played it off really well sir, may I suggest you leave a larger than normal tip sir, thank you sir, you are most kind.

How To Tell If You Should Break Up With Your Girlfriend

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 9 months now and I’m not sure if we should stay together or break up. I’m feeling torn, on the one hand I miss being single but on the other hand there’s a lot of good things about our relationship too. What should I do?

Grant L.

Grant, you should absolutely not break up with her. If you do, then all the pleasure she gets from how “naughty” it is that she’s cheating on you with me will be gone, and the sex will get worse. And really, with your girlfriend, the “it’s wrong” angle is the only thing keeping that sex interesting.

I’m kidding of course. If I wasn’t kidding I’d tell you to break up with her, because, y’know, she’s f*cking another dude (me). But she’s not f*cking me. As far as you know.

more: The Biggest Signs Your Relationship Is Over

Anyway, 9 months is a pretty good time to take stock of a relationship. You’ve been together long enough to get comfortable with each other, and yet you still haven’t been together long enough for it to automatically be super serious just from longevity.

From the tone of your question, it’s clear to me that you’re a squealing manbaby who doesn’t want to take responsibility for his own decisions, and decides to foist them off on someone with so much less information than himself, in the hopes that he doesn’t have to shoulder any blame for what happens.

The Biggest Giveaway Signs She Likes You

I’ve been interested in this woman for a long time, but I’m not sure that she feels the same way. We hang out all the time, and she always seems to laugh at my jokes and find excuses to spend time alone with me. I don’t want to screw things up and make it awkward between us though. How can I tell whether she likes me or not?

Ramon G.

Ramon, this is something that almost no men know about, and it’s going to blow your mind. Are you ready?

There’s actually a secret sign that women like you. They have zero control over it, and if she likes you, you’re going to be able to notice it, if you’re looking for it.

I’m telling you, once you know what to look for, it’s trivially easy to figure out if a woman is interested in you.

more: What Type Of Man Do Women Want?

It’s so simple. When you’re with a woman and you want to find out whether she likes you, pay close attention to the inside of her left eye, right by her nose. You’ll actually see a tiny mouth open and start forming words!

Exactly How To Have An Amazing First Date

I’ve had a crush on my co-worker for ages. I finally got the courage to ask her out and she said yes! Now I’m trying to figure out what to do for our first date to keep her interest. How do you keep a girl interested and make a first date memorable?

Hank K.

Hank, I’ve got the perfect plan for you. It’s a recipe for a first date that she will never forget.

First, go to her facebook and get as many of her pictures as you can. Print them all out. For extra points, you can cut out the eyes. That really adds a memorable flair!

Now hang them up all over your apartment and tell her that there’s an emergency and that she needs to come over (women love being lied to!). When she gets there, tell her that your emergency is that there are too many beautiful women staring at you while looking at all the pictures of her hung up around you.

more: How To Avoid An Awkward Silence On A Date

For full effect, you should be wearing adult size onesie pajamas.

Oh wait. That’s actually the worst advice possible. Jesus Christ. What the f*ck is wrong with me.

Alright, so you want to impress this girl on your first date because you’ve liked her forever. You’ve probably built up an image of her in your head that’s unsustainable, but hey! Gotta break up the fantasy sometime!

The Fastest Way To Get Over Your Ex

My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me and I feel that it was practically out of the blue. I didn’t realize that she has been so unhappy all this time and I suspect there’s another guy in the picture, although she denies it. I feel awful because on one hand I love her and want our relationship back, but on the hand I am so angry. What do I do to fix it?

Karl P.

Oh man Karl, I know exactly what you should do. The way I see it, you’ve only got one option.

That’s right. Murder-suicide.

Just kidding. That sucks Karl. Sorry you got dumped. Don’t kill her. Don’t kill yourself either.

You feel like sh*t right now, I get it. You’re pissed at her for dumping you, you’re suspicious and angry that she might have cheated no you, and you’re depressed because you’re alone.

more: How To Figure Out If Your Ex Wants You Back

But Karl, there’s great parts about being single too! You can sh*t with the door open! You can jerk off whenever you want! You can fantasize about f*cking different women without feeling guilty! You actually can f*ck different women without feeling guilty!

Wondering if she cheated on you or not is going to get you nowhere. She dumped you, your relationship is over. Why would you waste energy thinking about what might have happened during it? It’s a total waste of your time.

The Real Reasons She Didn’t Text You Back

I met this girl at a bbq last week and we hit it off. We were joking around, we were laughing and everything seemed good. So I sent her a text, no response…I figured everything was fine…but still, a few days later and no text…should I send her a text or is that going to seem needy?

-Jeff R.

Jeff wants to know why a woman he met didn’t text him back. Jeff, I’m not a mind reader. I don’t know the exact reason in her mind why she hasn’t texted you back yet.

I do know what makes women want to text you back though.

Tell me if this sounds familiar:

So you’re out, you meet a girl, you think she’s hot, you’re attracted to her, and then score! You get her phone number!

more: Why Did She Lose Interest In Me?

You don’t want to scare her off, so you send her a text. Something nice and light, simple, start a conversation and you’re off to the races. You can already see how she’ll text you back, you’ll go on a date, it’ll be awesome, she’ll come back to your place and everything will be sweet.

Except she doesn’t text back right away.

ok, no big deal, she’s probably busy, you’ve got time, you can wait.