How To Ask Her Out So That She Says Yes

Q: I’ve liked this girl in my class for a while. We talk frequently and have even been in group projects together. Whenever we talk she seems pretty into me and what I am saying, but I want to ask her out and want to do it in a way that will make her say yes. How do I ask her out?

John G.

Alright John, this is going to take a bit of preparation, but the end result is definitely going to be worth it.

First, you have to get your entire class in on it. Block the girl you like’s door so that she can’t get out for the day, and then at class that day explain your plan. You want everyone in on singing an a capella version of “Bad Medicine” by Bon Jovi.

When she walks in the door, everyone should bust out singing that song as loud as they can. You should be naked at the front of the classroom, obviously. Here’s where the alligator you hired to wrestle comes in. You did hire an alligator, right John.

God damnit John.You f*cked it all up.God.Damnit.

Exactly How To Get Your Ex Back

Q: I’ve been dating this woman for 5 years and she broke up with me. I had really messed up and I want her back. What do I do?

Stan M.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh, Stan, you done f*cked up. I wish I knew how you f*cked up. Are we talking, like, you cheated on her? Or you ran over her pet accidentally in your driveway? Or you ran over her pet on purpose?

Or like, you burned her parents house down? You gave her hiv without telling her? Through a hilarious sequence of misunderstandings and hijinks, you impregnated her father? tell me stan i must know to know how to help you!

Ha. Nah. I don’t need to know how you f*cked up. You f*cked up, she left you. That’s enough information to go on.

First off, don’t go all rom-com on her. Making some grand gesture to try to win her back is going to backfire in your face. That sh*t only works in the movies (and it’s stupid there too). So don’t do it.

But before I give you advice on how to get her back and you launch yourself into it, stop and take stock for a moment. Ask yourself a couple of questions, and for real, be honest with yourself. These questions are a big f*cking deal, and if you’re not honest about them, it’s going to really f*ck you in the long run.

First, think about what went wrong in your relationship. Pinpoint exactly how you f*cked up, but take it a few steps further than that. Why did it hurt her so much? Why did she end the relationship? How exactly do you think she felt about it?

Take your time putting yourself into her shoes and thinking about it from her perspective. That’s going to give you empathy, which will let you know how she’s feeling and give you some clues on how to proceed.

The second question might be even more important. Be honest with yourself here: do you really want her back?

Don’t just reflexively answer “Yes, of course!” because you feel like sh*t now that she’s gone and you want the pain to end. Look past how sh*tty you’re feeling and really, honestly answer the question. Do you see a long term future with her? Do you really want to have her back in your life? Don’t rush this one, take your time to figure it out.

It gives me more time to bang her on the rebound. Nice.

Alright, so let’s say you decided “Yes, I want her back in my life, and I’ve thought long and hard (hahah) about why she left and how she was feeling.”

Great. Now I have to stop f*cking her.

So here’s what you do:

Don’t charge in and start trying to win her back right away. That’s a fool’s f*cking errand. What you should be doing is taking a step back and focusing on yourself. Focus on spending time with your friends and getting back into hobbies and things you like to do that might have fallen by the wayside.

Did you have a hobby that you enjoyed before that you didn’t do as much while you were with her? Get back into that! Did you stop going to the gym or taking care of your body because everyone does when they get a girlfriend because it’s easier to let yourself go? Well get to the f*cking gym, fatty!

You’ll start to feel better about yourself, because you’re doing things that you like and improving yourself and your mood while you’re doing it. You’ll be getting back to the person you were at the beginning of the relationship, the person she was initially attracted to. See how that works?

The more comfortable, happy, and relaxed you are, the better chance you’ve got. Make sure to focus on being in a purely good mood, that will make women (and your ex, assuming she’s a woman, and if she’s not, why the f*ck didn’t you mention that) much more attracted to you.

When you’re ready, and you’ve taken time to yourself, get in contact with her.

more: How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back

Whatever you do, don’t dump everything you’re feeling on her right at the beginning! (Don’t take a dump on her either, unless you’re both into that and consenting adults and f*cking gross man.)

Don’t throw heavy feelings at her right away, it’s going to turn her off and drive her away. Instead, keep it light, relaxed, and casual, and suggest a casual meeting with no real commitment to it.

When you meet up with her, don’t make it your goal to get her back. Remember, women can tell when you’ve got an agenda about them, and if she senses your goal is to get her back, it’s going to turn her off. So drop the agenda and focus on what’s really important: having fun with her in the moment.

Be f*cking present dude. Focus all of your energy and attention into just genuinely having a good time with her.

If you can do that, she’ll want to see you again. Keep meeting up casually and keep up the good times and the good mood. You’re not going to get her back all at once, just get back to a place where you’re enjoying each other’s company.

more: Some Ways To Get Your Ex gf Back

When you think the moment is right, f*cking go for it. Tell her you want to be with her again. Don’t hesitate, don’t be indecisive… just be f*cking bold and tell her you want her back. Tell her why things will be different this time. You need to show her that you know exactly what you did wrong and that you understand why it hurt her (this is where all that thinking you did earlier will come in handy).

Show her why your f*ckup won’t happen again, and let her know that you’re committed to making things work this time. Don’t give up, either. You need to be persistent and take your best shot at this.

And if you do everything I said, yeah, you’re going to have the best shot at getting her back. It might seem impossible right now because you accidentally beat her brother to death with a baseball bat inside a Burger King and you’re on the run from the cops, but if you put yourself to work on these steps you’ve got a good shot at winning her back.

more: Tips On How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back

Anyone have any crazy breakup stories? Ever get an ex back after you screwed up? What did you do? Leave them in the comments.

Sex Life Slowed Down? Here’s How To Blow Her Mind In Bed

I have been dating this girl for a year now. The first 6 months we were having sex all the time like animals, but then things started to slow down. How do I make sure the sex is always good for her?

Henry K.

Henry, the reason you two stopped having sex so much is because she started having sex with me, and she realized what sex was actually supposed to feel like.

Was that good? I feel like that was a mediocre burn. Let me try again:

You have a small cock.

There, that’s better. much more clever.

What you’re talking about is something that happens in a huge amount of relationships. After a while, the newness and freshness of the sex wears off (because one or both of you get a yeast infection) and you have sex less often with each other.

That’s totally natural. It happens in most relationships. It’s not because you’re inadequate, or she stopped being attracted to you, or you’re not satisfying her.

(I mean, it could be for those reasons, but that would suck. Also it’s not that likely. She told me you f*ck alright. Good job Henry.)

So let’s take a look at some things you can do to bring some excitement and spontaneity back into your sex life, so that you and your girlfriend f*ck more often and you don’t have to send me any more whiny questions.

The Exact Signs It’s Time To Commit To A Relationship

Q: I have been dating this girl for a few months now and I am having a great time with her. The sex is great and we have so much fun together, but I am on the fence about what to do next. Is it time to bring up the c-word?

Do I keep it casual, or do I ask her to become my girlfriend? How do I know if it’s time to commit and take it to the next level?

Kevin P.

Kevin, the C-Word is c*nt. It’s not commitment. Don’t get me excited thinking that you’re going to ask me a question about c*nts and then sucker punch me with some boring ass commitment question. That’s bullsh*t.

You’re bullsh*t. Maybe I’ll just talk about the word c*nt instead of answering your question. C*nt. What a great word.

C*nt.

Anyway, you want to know whether it’s the right time to commit deeper to a woman you’re casually seeing, or in this case, make her your girlfriend.

For f*ck’s sake Kevin, I don’t even know you. I do know your girlfriend, and you should always lock down a chick willing to get that freaky in bed.

I’m just kidding, you c*nt.

The truth is, you’re probably feeling some pressure to commit to her or cut ties based on what you think is “normal” for a relationship. “Oh, it’s been X months, it’s time to decide to make her my girlfriend.”

That’s a crappy way of thinking about it. There’s no schedule, no set defined time for certain things to happen. They should happen when they feel right, not when you think it’s ‘time’.

The Absolute Best Places To Meet Women

I’m recently divorced, and I’m trying to get back into the dating game… so I’m going to bars and clubs to meet women, and I hate it. I don’t know where to meet the kind of women I want, and I really don’t like going to bars and clubs. What should I do?

Tom K.

I don’t know Tom, what should you do? I mean, bars and clubs are literally the only place to meet women. Since the “Bar and Club” act was passed through Congress in 2009, women are only legally allowed to be in bars and clubs. I guess you’re f*cked.

C’mon Tom. You don’t have to go to a bar or a club to meet a woman. In fact, bars and clubs are actually terrible places to meet women.

The music is loud. The drinks are expensive. Women are expecting to be hit on, so their defenses are up. You’re competing against every other guy in the bar. She’s probably there with her friends and is worried about what they think of her. She’s going to be on her guard about men hitting on her.

They’re the worst places to hit on women, bar none. Well, except for like, I don’t know, the middle of a funeral. Don’t hit on women in the middle of a funeral either.

Do you want to know what makes it the hardest to hit on woman at a bar? Well if you don’t, you’re sh*t out of luck, because I’m about to tell you.

She’s expecting you to hit on her.

How To Make The First Move And Kiss A Girl You Like

So I think I’m ok with women, except for one thing… when it comes time to kiss her, I freeze up. I don’t know the right way to kiss a woman for the first time, and it’s killing my love life. How do you know when to make the first move?

Trent M.

Oh man Trent, this is a serious situation. I once knew a guy who had real trouble making the first move with women. He froze up whenever he thought it was time to kiss her.

Eventually, he started freezing up whenever he was even around women. Then, he started freezing up all the time, without provocation?

Do you know what happened next? That’s right, the f*cking ice age.

Don’t cause the ice age, Trent.

So listen, T-dogg, can I call you T-dogg? T-dogg, the solution to your problem is actually pretty simple.

I know it feels super nerve wracking when you’re out on a date and you’re wondering when the time is right to kiss her. You’re examining every moment, trying to judge if the time is right, if she’s attracted to you, if she wants you to kiss her, if she’s getting impatient, if she’s turned into a gorilla, if you’re accidentally dating a gorilla oh no now the gorilla is on a rampage and murdering people god damnit T-dogg it happened again.

The Best Way To Approach A Woman You’re Interested In

So normally I’m good at talking to girls, but the other day I was in line at the grocery store and I saw this ridiculously hot blonde girl and I was all of a sudden nervous about going up and talking to her. I kicked myself for not going up to her for the rest of the day…how should I approach a girl?

Oscar K.

Oscar, you blew it. You f*cking blew it.

She was the one. Of course she was the one. She was hot and blonde and at the grocery store. You were clearly going to marry her and have kids, and she was going to win the lottery the day after you got married and you were going to spend the rest of your life getting your dick sucked on a yacht.

You f*cking blew it man. I can’t believe it. It’s all downhill from here for you.

Nah, just kidding. Neither of us have any idea what would have come of it, so you can stop worrying about it.

I know it can feel terrifying to open a conversation with a woman you’ve never met before. I used to be afraid of it, and I think every other guy in the world feels the same way.

But it doesn’t have to be scary. Do you know why it’s scary to you?

Exactly How To Get Out Of The Friend Zone Fast

So usually I’m good at getting girls wanting to have sex with me…and I normally don’t have this problem but this girl named Sarah who I’ve been friends with for 5-years recently got divorced…and I’ve been divorced for the last 2-years…to be honest, I’ve been attracted to her for a while now but I don’t know how to get her to see me as more than a friend.

How do I escape the friend zone?

Caleb F.

Ahh, the dreaded ‘friend-zone’. You’re with a woman you like, minding your own business, trying to get her to want to f*ck you, when all of a sudden she waves her hands and boom– you’re trapped in the friend zone.

Now you’re stuck in a terrible hell-dimension where you have to fight off ghosts and shades while doing terrible shi*t like helping her move and feeling resentful that she won’t f*ck you because of it.

Seriously, f*ck the friend zone.F*ck the entire concept of the friend zone right in the ass.

The friend zone is bullshi*t, it really really is. It was invented by small, misogynistic piece of shi*t men who thought to themselves “i’m nice to this woman, why doesn’t she want to f*ck me? i should receive sex in exchange for basic human decency. what a whore.”

The Secret To Getting More Responses From Online Dating

I can’t figure out online dating…I message all these women and none of the ones I want respond…I don’t get it. What do women want in an online dating profile?

-Ken L.

ok Ken, that’s a pretty common problem. Let’s go through some basic troubleshooting to make sure we can figure out what exactly you’re getting wrong.

First, is your computer on? Are you staring at a blank monitor or does it have words and sh*t on it? If your computer was off, kindly walk to the door of your computer room, put your dick in the door frame, and slam the door as hard as you can. Flaccid or erect, either one works. Women will be all over you in around 15-20 minutes, I promise.

Oh ok, your computer is on and you’ve got the dating website open. Great. We can skip all sorts of other instructions then.

Because in truth, online dating should be great, right? You don’t have to go to a bar, or spend $6 on a beer that would cost you $1 at the supermarket, or work up the courage to shout over the music to a bunch of unimpressed looking women in the hopes that one is interested in you.

How Do I Make Things Official And Make Her My Girlfriend?

Why doesn’t she want to be official? I like this girl, we’ve hooked up and stuff but it turns out, she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me…normally, I don’t have this problem but this one girl I actually really like and am not sure what the right course of action is.

Chad Q.

Alright, first of all Chad, don’t say “make things official”. It sounds like you’re f*cking 15 years old. If you actually are 15 years old, then write her some poetry and read it to her in front of her friends. Then send me the poem after. That’s great advice you can take to the $bank$.

In all seriousness, you want to know why she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. It’s probably because you use the term ‘official’ to describe a relationship.

burn burn #harshburn suck it chad.

This got combative. Let me take a step back.