I’m recently divorced, and I’m trying to get back into the dating game… so I’m going to bars and clubs to meet women, and I hate it. I don’t know where to meet the kind of women I want, and I really don’t like going to bars and clubs. What should I do?
I don’t know Tom, what should you do? I mean, bars and clubs are literally the only place to meet women. Since the “Bar and Club” act was passed through Congress in 2009, women are only legally allowed to be in bars and clubs. I guess you’re f*cked.
C’mon Tom. You don’t have to go to a bar or a club to meet a woman. In fact, bars and clubs are actually terrible places to meet women.
The music is loud. The drinks are expensive. Women are expecting to be hit on, so their defenses are up. You’re competing against every other guy in the bar. She’s probably there with her friends and is worried about what they think of her. She’s going to be on her guard about men hitting on her.
They’re the worst places to hit on women, bar none. Well, except for like, I don’t know, the middle of a funeral. Don’t hit on women in the middle of a funeral either.
Do you want to know what makes it the hardest to hit on woman at a bar? Well if you don’t, you’re sh*t out of luck, because I’m about to tell you.
She’s expecting you to hit on her.
So I think I’m ok with women, except for one thing… when it comes time to kiss her, I freeze up. I don’t know the right way to kiss a woman for the first time, and it’s killing my love life. How do you know when to make the first move?
Oh man Trent, this is a serious situation. I once knew a guy who had real trouble making the first move with women. He froze up whenever he thought it was time to kiss her.
Eventually, he started freezing up whenever he was even around women. Then, he started freezing up all the time, without provocation?
Do you know what happened next? That’s right, the f*cking ice age.
Don’t cause the ice age, Trent.
So listen, T-dogg, can I call you T-dogg? T-dogg, the solution to your problem is actually pretty simple.
I know it feels super nerve wracking when you’re out on a date and you’re wondering when the time is right to kiss her. You’re examining every moment, trying to judge if the time is right, if she’s attracted to you, if she wants you to kiss her, if she’s getting impatient, if she’s turned into a gorilla, if you’re accidentally dating a gorilla oh no now the gorilla is on a rampage and murdering people god damnit T-dogg it happened again.
So normally I’m good at talking to girls, but the other day I was in line at the grocery store and I saw this ridiculously hot blonde girl and I was all of a sudden nervous about going up and talking to her. I kicked myself for not going up to her for the rest of the day…how should I approach a girl?
Oscar, you blew it. You f*cking blew it.
She was the one. Of course she was the one. She was hot and blonde and at the grocery store. You were clearly going to marry her and have kids, and she was going to win the lottery the day after you got married and you were going to spend the rest of your life getting your dick sucked on a yacht.
You f*cking blew it man. I can’t believe it. It’s all downhill from here for you.
Nah, just kidding. Neither of us have any idea what would have come of it, so you can stop worrying about it.
I know it can feel terrifying to open a conversation with a woman you’ve never met before. I used to be afraid of it, and I think every other guy in the world feels the same way.
But it doesn’t have to be scary. Do you know why it’s scary to you?
So usually I’m good at getting girls wanting to have sex with me…and I normally don’t have this problem but this girl named Sarah who I’ve been friends with for 5-years recently got divorced…and I’ve been divorced for the last 2-years…to be honest, I’ve been attracted to her for a while now but I don’t know how to get her to see me as more than a friend.
How do I escape the friend zone?
Ahh, the dreaded ‘friend-zone’. You’re with a woman you like, minding your own business, trying to get her to want to f*ck you, when all of a sudden she waves her hands and boom– you’re trapped in the friend zone.
Now you’re stuck in a terrible hell-dimension where you have to fight off ghosts and shades while doing terrible shi*t like helping her move and feeling resentful that she won’t f*ck you because of it.
Seriously, f*ck the friend zone.F*ck the entire concept of the friend zone right in the ass.
The friend zone is bullshi*t, it really really is. It was invented by small, misogynistic piece of shi*t men who thought to themselves “i’m nice to this woman, why doesn’t she want to f*ck me? i should receive sex in exchange for basic human decency. what a whore.”
I can’t figure out online dating…I message all these women and none of the ones I want respond…I don’t get it. What do women want in an online dating profile?
ok Ken, that’s a pretty common problem. Let’s go through some basic troubleshooting to make sure we can figure out what exactly you’re getting wrong.
First, is your computer on? Are you staring at a blank monitor or does it have words and sh*t on it? If your computer was off, kindly walk to the door of your computer room, put your dick in the door frame, and slam the door as hard as you can. Flaccid or erect, either one works. Women will be all over you in around 15-20 minutes, I promise.
Oh ok, your computer is on and you’ve got the dating website open. Great. We can skip all sorts of other instructions then.
Because in truth, online dating should be great, right? You don’t have to go to a bar, or spend $6 on a beer that would cost you $1 at the supermarket, or work up the courage to shout over the music to a bunch of unimpressed looking women in the hopes that one is interested in you.
Why doesn’t she want to be official? I like this girl, we’ve hooked up and stuff but it turns out, she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me…normally, I don’t have this problem but this one girl I actually really like and am not sure what the right course of action is.
Alright, first of all Chad, don’t say “make things official”. It sounds like you’re f*cking 15 years old. If you actually are 15 years old, then write her some poetry and read it to her in front of her friends. Then send me the poem after. That’s great advice you can take to the $bank$.
In all seriousness, you want to know why she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. It’s probably because you use the term ‘official’ to describe a relationship.
burn burn #harshburn suck it chad.
This got combative. Let me take a step back.
I’ve been with this girl for 3 years. At first, we had sex all the time and things were great. We live together.
Except, the last 4 months, she’s been acting weird and we hardly have sex ever. She’s also been going out with her “friends,” but every time she comes back she’s drunk and never tells me where she went.
Every time I ask her, we get into fights and she accuses me of not trusting her. How do I figure out if my girlfriend is cheating on me?
Oh no, my name is Ken and I got to have sex with a girl I was attracted to all the time, and move in with her and have a great relationship, and now she’s acting weird and we barely have sex anymore, boo hoo, I think she might be cheating, oh woe is me boo hoohoo…
Actually wait… that sucks. Sorry Ken.
It’s really sh*tty to suspect someone you trust of cheating on you, because it’s a lose-lose either way. Either she is cheating, and she f*cked you over, or she’s not cheating, and you lost your trust for her for no reason.
If you really want to know some clues that she might be cheating on you, you should keep your eyes open for these signs:
I’ve been friends with this girl for the last 5 years. We kissed once after having a few drinks and used to hook up every Saturday night. She used to send me a bunch of texts and we hung out a lot. It’s always comfortable and we have fun.
Except, now, she has a boyfriend. She says she can’t talk to me, but will randomly call me to complain about her boyfriend. Is she leading me on? I realized I want to be in a relationship with her. I don’t think she’s happy with her boyfriend, so I wouldn’t feel bad about going for it.
How do I do this in a way where she’ll want to leave her boyfriend and have something with me?
Frank… dude, come on. Why are you trying to break her up with her boyfriend? That’s pretty sh*tty. I don’t think you’re the best judge of whether she’s happy in her relationship or not, considering you want her to break it off and start back up with you.
Let’s look at this logically. Here, I’m going to draw you a flowchart:
I work with a cute girl in my office I’ve liked for a while. We have lunch and get along and have fun together. Well, I finally asked her out and she said yes. Except, she flaked. I figured something happened and I shot her a text. No response. Now, she’s not speaking to me at work. How do I fix this and make sure things aren’t awkward at work? Would bringing it up to her make me seem needy? Why do women flake?
Well, why do you think she flaked on you?
It’s because you suck, right? Because you’re not a worthwhile guy? Because she talked to her friends and they saw your picture and said ‘eeeeewwwwww, why would you go on a date with him!?” Because you blew it with your text message? Because you acted creepy towards her at work? Because you’re repulsive to her?
Because her house burned down? Because she got drafted into the army and shipped overseas? Because her alien mother ship called her back and now she’s going back to her home planet?
Nah. It’s none of those reasons. The ones in the last paragraph are about as likely as the ones in the first paragraph.
I don’t know why she flaked on you. You don’t either. She really could be a secret government spy!