The Absolute Best Way To Get Over Your Ex Girlfriend

My girlfriend of over a year recently broke up with me. It came out of the blue, she dumped me, told me she didn’t want to be with me anymore and broke off our plans to move in together. I don’t know how I’m going to get over her, she was the perfect woman. She says she wants to stay friends with me, does that mean I still have a chance? What should I do?

Howard D.

Ahhhhh, that sucks. Sorry Howard. It sucks a lot to get dumped.

I know it hurts, because we’ve all been there. But trust me Howard, we’re going to get through this together.

Like I always say, no man left behind! Even if we were deep in enemy territory, and you were getting shelled to bits in your foxhole by unfriendly artillery, and there was no one coming to get us out, I wouldn’t leave you Howard. Bros until we die.

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Even if we were on the great ship Titanic, and it was going underwater, and you were trapped in one of those weird rooms where the auto doors closed and it was filling up with water, you’d better believe I’d be there, trying to wedge open the door and get you out, Howard, because I’m not going to leave you behind.

Even if we were in outer space on a spaceship, and the engines failed and oxygen was going and there was only space in the space-life-raft for one person, and you were near death and told me to leave you, because only one of us was surviving, I wouldn’t leave you Howard. I’d stick with you to the bitter end.

Ahem. So you got dumped. That sucks.

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There’s a few things you can do to help yourself in this situation Howard, and I’m going to guide you through them.

First of all, yes, you can mourn. It sucks to lose someone, and you’re allowed to feel super shitty about it for a while. Do whatever it is you do when you’re upset or hurting, and allow yourself to wallow in your pain. You’ve earned it. Sit on the couch doing nothing for two weeks if you want.

But eventually, your mourning period is going to be over, and you’re going to have to get your fucking ass off the couch. Call it a month, tops.

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Now that you’re done with the mourning phase, you might be cognizant enough to wonder why I’m using all these death-associated words when talking about your relationship. Well, that’s because it’s dead.

It’s dead, Howard.

And from your point of view, so is your ex girlfriend.

I mean it. Delete her number from your phone. Hide her posts on Facebook. Don’t call her, don’t text her, don’t hang out with her, and whatever you do, don’t try to stay friends with her. All that’s going to do is fuck your mind up even further.

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Instead, throw yourself into your hobbies. Plus, take up at least one thing that will better you. If you don’t go to the gym, go! If you do go to the gym, go more! Eat better! Read books! Be better!

And still don’t contact your ex. She’s dead to you, remember?

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Eventually, you’re going to wake up one morning and feel better than you did the day before. That’s going to string together, and you’ll start to feel better and better without even knowing why.

Plus, you’ll be improving your health, and doing the things you love doing, and putting yourself out there in new situations with people, and eventually, Howard, you’ll be over her.

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At least, you’d better be. If you don’t figure this shit out quickly I’m leaving you behind in a fucking heartbeat.

Anyone have a breakup story they want to share? Or advice for Howard? Or subscription info to your favorite pay-porn site? Leave ’em below.

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And as always, if you’ve got any questions, send ’em here and I’ll answer them with a maximum amount of condescension and insults.

1 comment… add one
  • Joanne September 7, 2017, 3:01 pm

    Sometimes you just need to let go.

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