Q: I’ve been dating this woman for 5 years and she broke up with me. I had really messed up and I want her back. What do I do?
Ohhhhhhhhhhh, Stan, you done f*cked up. I wish I knew how you f*cked up. Are we talking, like, you cheated on her? Or you ran over her pet accidentally in your driveway? Or you ran over her pet on purpose?
Or like, you burned her parents house down? You gave her hiv without telling her? Through a hilarious sequence of misunderstandings and hijinks, you impregnated her father? tell me stan i must know to know how to help you!
Ha. Nah. I don’t need to know how you f*cked up. You f*cked up, she left you. That’s enough information to go on.
First off, don’t go all rom-com on her. Making some grand gesture to try to win her back is going to backfire in your face. That sh*t only works in the movies (and it’s stupid there too). So don’t do it.
But before I give you advice on how to get her back and you launch yourself into it, stop and take stock for a moment. Ask yourself a couple of questions, and for real, be honest with yourself. These questions are a big f*cking deal, and if you’re not honest about them, it’s going to really f*ck you in the long run.
First, think about what went wrong in your relationship. Pinpoint exactly how you f*cked up, but take it a few steps further than that. Why did it hurt her so much? Why did she end the relationship? How exactly do you think she felt about it?
Take your time putting yourself into her shoes and thinking about it from her perspective. That’s going to give you empathy, which will let you know how she’s feeling and give you some clues on how to proceed.
The second question might be even more important. Be honest with yourself here: do you really want her back?
Don’t just reflexively answer “Yes, of course!” because you feel like sh*t now that she’s gone and you want the pain to end. Look past how sh*tty you’re feeling and really, honestly answer the question. Do you see a long term future with her? Do you really want to have her back in your life? Don’t rush this one, take your time to figure it out.
It gives me more time to bang her on the rebound. Nice.
Alright, so let’s say you decided “Yes, I want her back in my life, and I’ve thought long and hard (hahah) about why she left and how she was feeling.”
Great. Now I have to stop f*cking her.
So here’s what you do:
Don’t charge in and start trying to win her back right away. That’s a fool’s f*cking errand. What you should be doing is taking a step back and focusing on yourself. Focus on spending time with your friends and getting back into hobbies and things you like to do that might have fallen by the wayside.
Did you have a hobby that you enjoyed before that you didn’t do as much while you were with her? Get back into that! Did you stop going to the gym or taking care of your body because everyone does when they get a girlfriend because it’s easier to let yourself go? Well get to the f*cking gym, fatty!
You’ll start to feel better about yourself, because you’re doing things that you like and improving yourself and your mood while you’re doing it. You’ll be getting back to the person you were at the beginning of the relationship, the person she was initially attracted to. See how that works?
The more comfortable, happy, and relaxed you are, the better chance you’ve got. Make sure to focus on being in a purely good mood, that will make women (and your ex, assuming she’s a woman, and if she’s not, why the f*ck didn’t you mention that) much more attracted to you.
When you’re ready, and you’ve taken time to yourself, get in contact with her.
Whatever you do, don’t dump everything you’re feeling on her right at the beginning! (Don’t take a dump on her either, unless you’re both into that and consenting adults and f*cking gross man.)
Don’t throw heavy feelings at her right away, it’s going to turn her off and drive her away. Instead, keep it light, relaxed, and casual, and suggest a casual meeting with no real commitment to it.
When you meet up with her, don’t make it your goal to get her back. Remember, women can tell when you’ve got an agenda about them, and if she senses your goal is to get her back, it’s going to turn her off. So drop the agenda and focus on what’s really important: having fun with her in the moment.
Be f*cking present dude. Focus all of your energy and attention into just genuinely having a good time with her.
If you can do that, she’ll want to see you again. Keep meeting up casually and keep up the good times and the good mood. You’re not going to get her back all at once, just get back to a place where you’re enjoying each other’s company.
When you think the moment is right, f*cking go for it. Tell her you want to be with her again. Don’t hesitate, don’t be indecisive… just be f*cking bold and tell her you want her back. Tell her why things will be different this time. You need to show her that you know exactly what you did wrong and that you understand why it hurt her (this is where all that thinking you did earlier will come in handy).
Show her why your f*ckup won’t happen again, and let her know that you’re committed to making things work this time. Don’t give up, either. You need to be persistent and take your best shot at this.
And if you do everything I said, yeah, you’re going to have the best shot at getting her back. It might seem impossible right now because you accidentally beat her brother to death with a baseball bat inside a Burger King and you’re on the run from the cops, but if you put yourself to work on these steps you’ve got a good shot at winning her back.
Anyone have any crazy breakup stories? Ever get an ex back after you screwed up? What did you do? Leave them in the comments.