Exactly How To Get Your Ex Back

Q: I’ve been dating this woman for 5 years and she broke up with me. I had really messed up and I want her back. What do I do?

Stan M.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh, Stan, you done f*cked up. I wish I knew how you f*cked up. Are we talking, like, you cheated on her? Or you ran over her pet accidentally in your driveway? Or you ran over her pet on purpose?

Or like, you burned her parents house down? You gave her hiv without telling her? Through a hilarious sequence of misunderstandings and hijinks, you impregnated her father? tell me stan i must know to know how to help you!

Ha. Nah. I don’t need to know how you f*cked up. You f*cked up, she left you. That’s enough information to go on.

First off, don’t go all rom-com on her. Making some grand gesture to try to win her back is going to backfire in your face. That sh*t only works in the movies (and it’s stupid there too). So don’t do it.

But before I give you advice on how to get her back and you launch yourself into it, stop and take stock for a moment. Ask yourself a couple of questions, and for real, be honest with yourself. These questions are a big f*cking deal, and if you’re not honest about them, it’s going to really f*ck you in the long run.

First, think about what went wrong in your relationship. Pinpoint exactly how you f*cked up, but take it a few steps further than that. Why did it hurt her so much? Why did she end the relationship? How exactly do you think she felt about it?

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