Exactly How To Know When You’re In Love

I’ve been dating a woman for 8 months, and I’m not sure whether I love her or not. She’s said “I love you” to me, but I’m not sure whether I should say it back or not. How do you “know” when you’re in love with someone?

Rupert D.

Rupert, finding out whether you love someone is a magical experience that transforms both parties into happy, fantastic beings that feed on love itself.

What you’re going to need is your girlfriend, a really really sharp knife, some very strong straps and a high tolerance for pain.

ok, so what you’re going to do is have your girlfriend tie you down onto a flat, sterile surface. If you’ve got an island in your kitchen, great, have her tie you down on that. If you don’t have a kitchen because you live in the sewer and feast on rats for sustenance, use a relatively poo-free flat surface.

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You’re going to have her cut a pentagram around your heart. It’s got to be big enough so that she doesn’t cut through your heart itself, but not too big that the sorcery is too diffused to work its magic.

You may think this is going to hurt, but fear not! It will actually hurt much worse than you think it will!

Once she’s done cutting around your heart, she’s going to need to fold back the skin, cartilage, and bone surrounding your heart and gently lift it out of its chamber.

very carefully turn the heart over. Does it have her name written on the back in pink, cursive handwriting? you’re f*cked. Pink cursive means that you love her, but you’re not in love with her, y’know?

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However, if it has her name spelled backwards written out in wingdings, congratulations! That means that you’re truly in love!

Enjoy that knowledge for the next few seconds before you bleed out on the table.

That’s it. That’s the only way to figure out whether you’re in love with someone or not.

Orrrrrrr there might be one other way.

Love feels different to every person, and we feel love about different people in different ways. There’s no one feeling that anyone can point to and say “that’s love”.

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You can’t just say, “Y’know when you feel a giant turd stewin belowdecks, and you can feel it beginning to turtle out and cry out lustily for freedom… that’s love”

Because that would make you a psychopath.

So I can’t reference a specific feeling and ask you if you’re feeling it, then give you a definite answer. Also, you gave me barely any details so how the f*ck am I supposed to know whether you’re in love or not.

However, there is one question you can ask yourself that will clear this up for you quite a bit.

You need to be totally honest, and listen to your gut on this one. If your gut sinks when you ask yourself this question, you probably need to take a real look at your relationship.

more: 24 Signs You’re Already In Love With Her

When you say “I love you,” what you’re really saying is, “I’m happier with you in my life than without you, and I can’t imagine my future without you.”

Is that true to you? Are you happier with her in your life? Can you imagine a future without her?

Ask yourself those questions seriously. Note, I’m not saying “are you cognitively able to imagine a future without her”, because yes, obviously, you can do that, congratulations. I’m saying, do you want to imagine a future without her by your side?

more: How To Know If You Truly Love A Girl

That’s the question you need to seriously ask yourself. And when you can answer yourself honestly, one way or the other, you’ll know whether you love her or not.

Anyone have a favorite way of describing the feeling of love? Or advice for Rupert? Leave ’em below.

more: How Men Really Know They’re In Love

And as always, if you’ve got any questions, send ’em here and I’ll answer them with a maximum amount of condescension and insults.

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