How To Impress The Woman You Want

I really want to date this girl I met at work, and I want to impress her so that she wants to go out with me. What’s a great way to impress a woman?

Leroy R.

Alright Leroy, f*cking listen up, because you have to follow my instructions to the letter if you’re going to make it out of this alive.

Now, I know you don’t like me, and I sure as f*ck don’t like you. But I don’t want to see you die out there, so we have to work together and we’re going to get through this.

First, do you have your survival gear?

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god damnit leroy how do you not have your f*cking survival gear. get your sh*t together.

We’re going to cause a global climate catastrophe the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the ice age. You need to get your weather nuke, and set it off.

i don’t know where to get a weather nuke just f*cking get one leroy jesus god damn tit-sh*tting christ.

Once the earth is covered in snow, she’s going to be on the brink of freezing to death. This is where you come in Leroy.

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Use your survival gear to fight through the ice zombies (yes i said f*cking ice zombies) and get to her house. When you get there, get inside and find her. She’ll be impressed that you showed up, but we’re not done yet.

oh, we’re not f*cking done yet.

You’re going to take her up into your warm embrace and wrap her in the massive mounds of fat that hang down over your pubic area. Your gunt, if you will.

Once she’s cocooned in there, she’s going to get nice and toasty from the massive amount of body heat your enormous, fleshy sack of meat body is putting out. She’ll get so warm that she’ll take off her clothes! Nice!

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nice!

Now all that remains is to ride out the global apocalypse event that you created and then boom, she’s impressed! She might even want to become your girlfriend!

God damnit Leroy that is just stupid as hell.

Leroy, you don’t have to impress her. If you’re trying to impress her, you’ve already lost. Why?

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Well, when you think you have to impress a woman to get her to want to date you, what you’re really saying is that you’re not good enough to have her on your own, and that you need to be more than yourself in order to have her.

That’s f*cked up. If you don’t think you’re good enough to be able to have her normally, she’s going to be able to pick up on that, and it’s going to turn her off.

I mean, if you don’t think you’re good enough for her, then why should she?

You’ve gotta let go of the idea of trying to impress her, Leroy. That means dropping your explicit goal of making her want to sleep with you, and dropping your goal of wowing her somehow to make her attracted to you.

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Instead, you’ve gotta put all your energy into being positive about the person you are now. If you want, put that energy into working out and improving yourself. Or, put it into doing things that you really enjoy, like your hobbies.

Focus on keeping yourself free from negativity. If you have negative thoughts, just drop them. Try to stay in a good mood as much of the time as you possibly can.

that’s what’s attractive to women. Women want to be around guys who are positive and feel good, because it makes them feel good. Women don’t want to be with a guy who tries to impress them, they want to be with a guy that makes them feel good.

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The way to make a woman feel good is to feel good yourself, keep yourself in a great mood, and enjoy the moments you spend with her without having an explicit goal like sleeping with her.

If you can do that, ironically, you will impress her. She’ll want to be around you more.

And you didn’t even have to cause a global apocalypse. Good for you Leroy. Good for you.

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Anyone have any stories of mass murder on a truly unimaginable scale? Got any chicken for Leroy? Leave ’em below.

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