I want to get more into online dating, but I don’t know how to be sexy to a woman online. How can I come across as attractive and interesting over the internet?
Alright Kenny, here’s what you do.
You need to have a laptop computer for this. If you’ve got a desktop, it’s going to be much more difficult for you, but not impossible.
The first step is to find a woman to chat with online. There are several important things to remember:
1. Almost all real women on the internet are found in aol chat rooms. Most of them like to congregate in the “lesbian chat rooms” and also the chat rooms for small children, for some reason.
2. Once you’re talking to a real live woman, don’t try to verify that she’s a woman in any way. You have to just “trust” that she’s a woman, or you’ll ruin the mystique, even if the picture she sends you is blatantly ripped from a different website.
3. Make sure you’re not talking to Chris Hansen. Ain’t nobody wants to talk to Chris Hansen.
Now if you’ve followed these steps exactly you’ll be talking to a real woman. This is where the magic begins.
Go out and get a fleshlight or other male toy designed for f*cking of your preference. If you’re really hard up for cash, you can use a Ziploc plastic bag and squirt some lubricant in there.
Next, put the fleshlight on top of your keyboard and close the lid of your laptop onto it until it’s firmly wedged in there. You might need to shove it in there to get it wedged. You might hear cracking or other plastic breaking noises, but trust me, it’s best to ignore them right now. You’re deep into the moment and you don’t want to blow it.
Third, just f*ck the sh*t out of your fleshlight.
Congratulations! She is now your internet girlfriend. Go buy a new computer so you can talk to her some more.
Or, you could follow these tips instead.
Talk to her like you’d talk to anyone you’re interested in. Talking to a woman online has some major advantages, in that you can actually think of what you’d like to say to her and have the time to write it out, instead of being put on the spot in the moment.
However, that can lead to overthinking it. If you find yourself debating whether to include one word, or another, or what should you say in response to this question in order to sound cool… drop that line of thinking. You’re overthinking it and screwing yourself over.
Instead, just make sure you answer these questions before you send a message. 1. Am I being genuine? 2. Is this interesting to me? 3. Am I having fun?
That’s it. If you’re being genuine with her, it will automatically give you the best chance with her, because women (and men) can tell whether someone is being genuine or not, and we all want to be with someone genuine over someone fake.
If you’re making sure that you’re genuine with her, it’s going to keep you honest, and it’s going to keep your responses interesting to her. That can only help your chances.
Second, make sure that you’re actually interested in sending a response. If you find yourself bored when you’re writing to her, maybe there’s not much of a connection there in the first place. Either that, or you haven’t found something interesting to talk about. Think of something that you actually want to talk about, something that actually interests you, and bring that up instead.
Third, make sure to have fun with it. It’s not life or death whether she responds to your message an hour later or a week later, and you shouldn’t treat it like that. The more stock you put into how much she writes or when she responds to your message, the more you’re going to come off as desperate and drive her away.
So give up any goals that you might have about her and just enjoy talking to her. That will make you the most attractive version of your online self that you can be.
Or spam her with links to goat.se and bestiality until she reports you to the fbi. That’s my go to move.
Anyone ever have an online relationship? Or really good success with online dating? Leave ’em below.
And as always, if you’ve got any questions, send ’em here and I’ll answer them with a maximum amount of condescension and insults.