What Are The Rules For A Threesome?

My girlfriend recently confided in me that she wants to be more adventurous in our sex lives, which is great because I feel the same way. She says that she wants to invite another woman into bed with us and have a threesome. That sounds awesome to me, but I’m a little worried about messing up our relationship. Got any advice?

Ben K.

Ben, first of all, f*ck you. I’ve never been in a threesome before.

The one time I got close to having a threesome, my (now ex) girlfriend called me from the bar and said she met a girl she was into and that she wanted to get us all into bed together and the other girl agreed. I literally jumped for joy.

Anyway, they pulled up in a cab in front of my apartment building and my girlfriend was blackout drunk in the backseat and sobbing because she missed her friend so much. The girl she met at the bar was also sobbing because she felt bad for my girlfriend.

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I had to carry my girlfriend inside and the other girl left in the cab. Then my girlfriend threw up a lot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: f*ck you Ben. F*ck you with like… all of the dicks. Every dick.

Anyway, if you’re asking for advice about how to navigate this situation, I don’t have the best track record (but it’s not my fault!) However, I can give you some common sense pointers so that you can keep your relationship intact – and maybe even stronger.

The first rule is that you gotta talk to your girlfriend about this before it goes down, and you have to be totally honest with her. It has to be a conversation without judgment, without lying, and without hiding anything.

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You have to be totally honest with each other about what you’re comfortable with, and what you’re not comfortable with. You simply cannot make that sh*t up on the fly, so don’t even try to. That’s a recipe for some hurt feelings and a f*cked up relationship.

So with 100% honesty, lay out what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not comfortable with, and have your girlfriend do the same thing.

Does she want you to participate or more watch and jerk off? How much involvement is she comfortable with you having with the other woman?

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Are you allowed to kiss her? Eat her out? F*ck her? Get a blowjob from her? What are the limits? What does your girlfriend feel comfortable with and what makes her uncomfortable?

That’s the most important part of this entire exercise. You’ve gotta find out exactly where the boundaries are, and then you have to respect them before, during, and after the fact. Otherwise, you risk hurting your girlfriend’s feelings and maybe f*cking up your relationship for good.

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Another thing to consider is who you’re going to invite into your bedroom with you. At first glance, one of her friends or even a mutual friend might seem like a good idea, but it has the potential of getting complicated. What if you start getting attached to the friend? What if she starts getting attached to the friend? What if the friend gets attached to you?

It brings in a whole new dynamic that runs the risk of f*cking up what you’ve got going on with your current girlfriend (who, to be honest, sounds like just the most fantastic lady). So don’t do it.

Instead, ask your girlfriend who she feels comfortable bringing into the bedroom with you. The best option is to find someone together that neither of you know who you’re both attracted to and who is interested in having sex with both of you, and then going for it.

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And then you get to have sex with two women at the same time. While I think about what might have been.

Again, f*ck you Ben. F*ck you in the mouth with a rake.

Anyone have any good (non-made up) threesome stories? Advice for Ben? Leave it below.

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And as always, if you’ve got any questions, send ’em here and I’ll answer them with a maximum amount of condescension and insults.

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