How To Tell If You Should Break Up With Your Girlfriend

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 9 months now and I’m not sure if we should stay together or break up. I’m feeling torn, on the one hand I miss being single but on the other hand there’s a lot of good things about our relationship too. What should I do?

Grant L.

Grant, you should absolutely not break up with her. If you do, then all the pleasure she gets from how “naughty” it is that she’s cheating on you with me will be gone, and the sex will get worse. And really, with your girlfriend, the “it’s wrong” angle is the only thing keeping that sex interesting.

I’m kidding of course. If I wasn’t kidding I’d tell you to break up with her, because, y’know, she’s f*cking another dude (me). But she’s not f*cking me. As far as you know.

more: The Biggest Signs Your Relationship Is Over

Anyway, 9 months is a pretty good time to take stock of a relationship. You’ve been together long enough to get comfortable with each other, and yet you still haven’t been together long enough for it to automatically be super serious just from longevity.

From the tone of your question, it’s clear to me that you’re a squealing manbaby who doesn’t want to take responsibility for his own decisions, and decides to foist them off on someone with so much less information than himself, in the hopes that he doesn’t have to shoulder any blame for what happens.