Exactly How To Get Your Ex Back

Q: I’ve been dating this woman for 5 years and she broke up with me. I had really messed up and I want her back. What do I do?

Stan M.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh, Stan, you done f*cked up. I wish I knew how you f*cked up. Are we talking, like, you cheated on her? Or you ran over her pet accidentally in your driveway? Or you ran over her pet on purpose?

Or like, you burned her parents house down? You gave her hiv without telling her? Through a hilarious sequence of misunderstandings and hijinks, you impregnated her father? tell me stan i must know to know how to help you!

Ha. Nah. I don’t need to know how you f*cked up. You f*cked up, she left you. That’s enough information to go on.

First off, don’t go all rom-com on her. Making some grand gesture to try to win her back is going to backfire in your face. That sh*t only works in the movies (and it’s stupid there too). So don’t do it.

But before I give you advice on how to get her back and you launch yourself into it, stop and take stock for a moment. Ask yourself a couple of questions, and for real, be honest with yourself. These questions are a big f*cking deal, and if you’re not honest about them, it’s going to really f*ck you in the long run.

First, think about what went wrong in your relationship. Pinpoint exactly how you f*cked up, but take it a few steps further than that. Why did it hurt her so much? Why did she end the relationship? How exactly do you think she felt about it?

Take your time putting yourself into her shoes and thinking about it from her perspective. That’s going to give you empathy, which will let you know how she’s feeling and give you some clues on how to proceed.

The second question might be even more important. Be honest with yourself here: do you really want her back?

Don’t just reflexively answer “Yes, of course!” because you feel like sh*t now that she’s gone and you want the pain to end. Look past how sh*tty you’re feeling and really, honestly answer the question. Do you see a long term future with her? Do you really want to have her back in your life? Don’t rush this one, take your time to figure it out.

It gives me more time to bang her on the rebound. Nice.

Alright, so let’s say you decided “Yes, I want her back in my life, and I’ve thought long and hard (hahah) about why she left and how she was feeling.”

Great. Now I have to stop f*cking her.

So here’s what you do:

Don’t charge in and start trying to win her back right away. That’s a fool’s f*cking errand. What you should be doing is taking a step back and focusing on yourself. Focus on spending time with your friends and getting back into hobbies and things you like to do that might have fallen by the wayside.

Did you have a hobby that you enjoyed before that you didn’t do as much while you were with her? Get back into that! Did you stop going to the gym or taking care of your body because everyone does when they get a girlfriend because it’s easier to let yourself go? Well get to the f*cking gym, fatty!

You’ll start to feel better about yourself, because you’re doing things that you like and improving yourself and your mood while you’re doing it. You’ll be getting back to the person you were at the beginning of the relationship, the person she was initially attracted to. See how that works?

The more comfortable, happy, and relaxed you are, the better chance you’ve got. Make sure to focus on being in a purely good mood, that will make women (and your ex, assuming she’s a woman, and if she’s not, why the f*ck didn’t you mention that) much more attracted to you.

When you’re ready, and you’ve taken time to yourself, get in contact with her.

more: How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back

Whatever you do, don’t dump everything you’re feeling on her right at the beginning! (Don’t take a dump on her either, unless you’re both into that and consenting adults and f*cking gross man.)

Don’t throw heavy feelings at her right away, it’s going to turn her off and drive her away. Instead, keep it light, relaxed, and casual, and suggest a casual meeting with no real commitment to it.

When you meet up with her, don’t make it your goal to get her back. Remember, women can tell when you’ve got an agenda about them, and if she senses your goal is to get her back, it’s going to turn her off. So drop the agenda and focus on what’s really important: having fun with her in the moment.

Be f*cking present dude. Focus all of your energy and attention into just genuinely having a good time with her.

If you can do that, she’ll want to see you again. Keep meeting up casually and keep up the good times and the good mood. You’re not going to get her back all at once, just get back to a place where you’re enjoying each other’s company.

more: Some Ways To Get Your Ex gf Back

When you think the moment is right, f*cking go for it. Tell her you want to be with her again. Don’t hesitate, don’t be indecisive… just be f*cking bold and tell her you want her back. Tell her why things will be different this time. You need to show her that you know exactly what you did wrong and that you understand why it hurt her (this is where all that thinking you did earlier will come in handy).

Show her why your f*ckup won’t happen again, and let her know that you’re committed to making things work this time. Don’t give up, either. You need to be persistent and take your best shot at this.

And if you do everything I said, yeah, you’re going to have the best shot at getting her back. It might seem impossible right now because you accidentally beat her brother to death with a baseball bat inside a Burger King and you’re on the run from the cops, but if you put yourself to work on these steps you’ve got a good shot at winning her back.

more: Tips On How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back

Anyone have any crazy breakup stories? Ever get an ex back after you screwed up? What did you do? Leave them in the comments.

Sex Life Slowed Down? Here’s How To Blow Her Mind In Bed

I have been dating this girl for a year now. The first 6 months we were having sex all the time like animals, but then things started to slow down. How do I make sure the sex is always good for her?

Henry K.

Henry, the reason you two stopped having sex so much is because she started having sex with me, and she realized what sex was actually supposed to feel like.

Was that good? I feel like that was a mediocre burn. Let me try again:

You have a small cock.

There, that’s better. much more clever.

What you’re talking about is something that happens in a huge amount of relationships. After a while, the newness and freshness of the sex wears off (because one or both of you get a yeast infection) and you have sex less often with each other.

That’s totally natural. It happens in most relationships. It’s not because you’re inadequate, or she stopped being attracted to you, or you’re not satisfying her.

(I mean, it could be for those reasons, but that would suck. Also it’s not that likely. She told me you f*ck alright. Good job Henry.)

So let’s take a look at some things you can do to bring some excitement and spontaneity back into your sex life, so that you and your girlfriend f*ck more often and you don’t have to send me any more whiny questions.

The Exact Signs It’s Time To Commit To A Relationship

Q: I have been dating this girl for a few months now and I am having a great time with her. The sex is great and we have so much fun together, but I am on the fence about what to do next. Is it time to bring up the c-word?

Do I keep it casual, or do I ask her to become my girlfriend? How do I know if it’s time to commit and take it to the next level?

Kevin P.

Kevin, the C-Word is c*nt. It’s not commitment. Don’t get me excited thinking that you’re going to ask me a question about c*nts and then sucker punch me with some boring ass commitment question. That’s bullsh*t.

You’re bullsh*t. Maybe I’ll just talk about the word c*nt instead of answering your question. C*nt. What a great word.

C*nt.

Anyway, you want to know whether it’s the right time to commit deeper to a woman you’re casually seeing, or in this case, make her your girlfriend.

For f*ck’s sake Kevin, I don’t even know you. I do know your girlfriend, and you should always lock down a chick willing to get that freaky in bed.

I’m just kidding, you c*nt.

The truth is, you’re probably feeling some pressure to commit to her or cut ties based on what you think is “normal” for a relationship. “Oh, it’s been X months, it’s time to decide to make her my girlfriend.”

That’s a crappy way of thinking about it. There’s no schedule, no set defined time for certain things to happen. They should happen when they feel right, not when you think it’s ‘time’.

Exactly How To Get Out Of The Friend Zone Fast

So usually I’m good at getting girls wanting to have sex with me…and I normally don’t have this problem but this girl named Sarah who I’ve been friends with for 5-years recently got divorced…and I’ve been divorced for the last 2-years…to be honest, I’ve been attracted to her for a while now but I don’t know how to get her to see me as more than a friend.

How do I escape the friend zone?

Caleb F.

Ahh, the dreaded ‘friend-zone’. You’re with a woman you like, minding your own business, trying to get her to want to f*ck you, when all of a sudden she waves her hands and boom– you’re trapped in the friend zone.

Now you’re stuck in a terrible hell-dimension where you have to fight off ghosts and shades while doing terrible shi*t like helping her move and feeling resentful that she won’t f*ck you because of it.

Seriously, f*ck the friend zone.F*ck the entire concept of the friend zone right in the ass.

The friend zone is bullshi*t, it really really is. It was invented by small, misogynistic piece of shi*t men who thought to themselves “i’m nice to this woman, why doesn’t she want to f*ck me? i should receive sex in exchange for basic human decency. what a whore.”

Exactly How To Tell If She’s Cheating On You

I’ve been with this girl for 3 years. At first, we had sex all the time and things were great. We live together.

Except, the last 4 months, she’s been acting weird and we hardly have sex ever. She’s also been going out with her “friends,” but every time she comes back she’s drunk and never tells me where she went.

Every time I ask her, we get into fights and she accuses me of not trusting her. How do I figure out if my girlfriend is cheating on me?

Ken C.

Oh no, my name is Ken and I got to have sex with a girl I was attracted to all the time, and move in with her and have a great relationship, and now she’s acting weird and we barely have sex anymore, boo hoo, I think she might be cheating, oh woe is me boo hoohoo…

Actually wait… that sucks. Sorry Ken.

It’s really sh*tty to suspect someone you trust of cheating on you, because it’s a lose-lose either way. Either she is cheating, and she f*cked you over, or she’s not cheating, and you lost your trust for her for no reason.

F*cked, right?

If you really want to know some clues that she might be cheating on you, you should keep your eyes open for these signs:

How Do I Get Her To Dump Her Boyfriend And Date Me?

I’ve been friends with this girl for the last 5 years. We kissed once after having a few drinks and used to hook up every Saturday night. She used to send me a bunch of texts and we hung out a lot. It’s always comfortable and we have fun.

Except, now, she has a boyfriend. She says she can’t talk to me, but will randomly call me to complain about her boyfriend. Is she leading me on? I realized I want to be in a relationship with her. I don’t think she’s happy with her boyfriend, so I wouldn’t feel bad about going for it.

How do I do this in a way where she’ll want to leave her boyfriend and have something with me?

Frank W.

Frank… dude, come on. Why are you trying to break her up with her boyfriend? That’s pretty sh*tty. I don’t think you’re the best judge of whether she’s happy in her relationship or not, considering you want her to break it off and start back up with you.

Let’s look at this logically. Here, I’m going to draw you a flowchart: